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Animal Collective - My Girls (Domino) 23/03/2009

T: (quiet whisper to readers) I bet you any money Nick wants to start this review by saying it begins like Crsytal Waters, and I'll have to correct him and say he's thinking of "You Got The Love" by The Source featuring Candi Staton...

N: I probably would, BUT I might spell her name right in the first place.

T: It's the way you pronounce it. And anyway, her sister IS called Crsytal.

N: I bet that's a nightmare in the household.

T: Anyway, as always, Brian Wilson on particularly hallucinogenic drugs is my review. You may as well cut and paste that comment into every review we ever do of Animal Collective...

N: It's a fine single though isn't it?

T: Well that can't be denied, I suppose. 9/10

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The Kills - Black Balloon (Domino) 23/03/2009

T: Bit odd that they've chosen to release a new single from their album "Midnight Boom" some six or seven months after it came out, perhaps even more than that. Especially odd is that it's a plodding, nondescript tune with less excitement than an episode of Hetty Wainthropp Investigates.

N: I really don't think it's THAT bad.

T: Sing it back to me now then.

N: (mumbles incoherently) It's not really a singalongasong, is it now?

T: What is it then? A newspaper? Where the headline reads "once great band slips to level of mediocrity"?

N: Not exactly, but they have released some great singles though haven't they?

T: Yep. But that's not enough to save this from getting a damn good rodgering from the AD S&M stick.

N: You took that home six months ago, and I haven't sen it since! Explain yourself.

T: My wife uses it for cooking.

N: Hmmmm? 4/10

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Stone Gods - Start Of Something (Integral/PIAS) 23/3/2009

T: Sounds like Bryan Adams playing with Whitesnake.

N: That's a common complaint I hear.

T: "We don't care what they say" sings the band's frontman Richie Edwards, and it's a good job too, because this is fecking shite. 3/10

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Milke - Love Get Out Of My Way (Gulp) 16/3/2009

T: If you like murdering trees, shoving porridge in your ears, flicking bogies at seals in the zoo and using a cheesegrater to shave, I would suggest buying this. Otherwise I'd avoid it.

N: What do you mean? It's utterly dreadful!

T: You off to Twycross later?

N: Taking the kids in fact.

T: The alarming thing there readers is that he doesn't have any kids...

N: You mean they're not mine? 1/10

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La Roux - In For The Kill (Polydor) 16/09/2009

T: This is what that bloody song is I keep hearing then. It sounds like a woman having a red hot poker shoved up her arse.

N: Are you suggesting this is NOT very good?

T: I can take it or leave it. But I'm not one of these sexual masochists so the red hot poker scenario is not for me...

N: ...I think even the hardest sado masochist would have to think twice about that one. Where exectly does this scenario come up in the song then?

T: ALL THROUGH THE BLOODY THING. 5/10

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Goldie Lookin' Chain - New Day (Metropolis Music) 16/09/2009

N: They're quite liberated about their language aren't they? Or is it that they've just got the munchies?

T: Er...did you PLAY their last two albums Nick? They've never exactly shyed away from it. They wrote "Your Mother's Got Penis" so that people like you could eat and vote.

N: Are you being rude?

T: Right, let me just ignore for a minute and inform you that GLC's latest single is a humorous (what else?) take on All Saints' "Never Ever" before turning into an alarming pastiche of East 17, whilst somehow keeping its dignity, if it ever HAD any dignity in the first place, that is.

N: Fuck you.

T: That's the spirit. 7/10

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In Case Of Fire - The Cleansing (Search And Destroy) 02/03/2009

N: ...break glass.

T: What date are you booked in for Jongleurs again? Only I think I'm booked in to have a wank that night.

N: It's not yet confirmed, but when it is, I'll let you know. You can work it around the dates.

T: Well I know I will also have an itchy ear which will need scratching at some point too, so don't get your hopes TOO high.

N: I wasn't. Anyway, do you think we've resorted to this talk because the music's just going "Shhhhh".

T: What?

N: I mean the music's just washing over you?

T: There's music on?

N: A young band trying to do what their iPod is feeding them. Personally I think my joke was better.

T: There was a joke? 4/10

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Filthy Dukes - This Rhythm (Fiction) 09/03/2009

T: Look, I like Late Of The Pier, but this just sounds like something Samuel Dust has knocked up with his thumb whilst sitting down and picking his nose. There really is little to it. So there you have it - bogey music.

N: I don't know about bogey music, but this is bedroom music. Samuel was asked to guest following meeting the Dukes and apparently recorded his contribution in just that environment. I quite like this disco-noir, and ok so the lyric bears very little, but haven't many of the best songs?

T: Yeah ok, it's grown on me, but I prefer the remixes. 7/10

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Dan Black - Alone (A&M Records) 09/03/2009

T: Justin Timberlake and Jay Kay on speed. This is messed up - partly annoying but somehow also quite appealing.

N: This song's repeating line is; "this won't leave me alone..." and more than likely this is what they're hoping. Catchy and infectious to the point of successful. 7/10

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The Firm - Dismal Results (Whimsical Records) 09/03/2009

N: The band have formerly been written about, and Ross Liddle's vocals said to have veered between Moyet and Morrissey. But for me, surely this is Ian Astbury...

T: ...perhaps jamming wth Killing Joke or the Psychedelic Furs, or even Public Image Ltd?

N: After what we've listened to so far today, this is both a vibrant and exciting take on eighties New Wave.

T: I agree. Impressive debut. 9/10

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The Saturdays - Just Can't Get Enough (Fascination) 02/03/2009

T: This is absolutely brilliant.

N: You need therapy!

T: No, it's superb (ok, I'll whisper it quietly - it's utter crap, but I don't want to hamper my chances of an orgy with the girls...)

N: I don't really care about your chances. If you are going to cover another group's work, you shouldn't wipe shit all over it.

T: They can do whatever they want if I get that orgy. Actually, is it wrong that I'm fantasizing over the idea of an orgy with a band who counts two ex-members of S Club Juniors amongst its ranks?

N: No, but at your age you should be locked away.

T: Hey they've been legal for at least 2 years now.

N: But your mac hasn't. Have you washed it yet?

T: Back to the subject matter...at least it's an uptempo number instead of the usual mush they put out for Comic Relief. And I'm still holding out for Tone Relief.

N: 7/10 for the thought, but 0/10 for originality.

T: Girls, if you're reading this, I think it's superb. 1/10

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Rise Against - Audience Of One (DGC Records) 02/03/2009

T: If you like Nickelback, you'll probably like this. I forgot to mention that if you like Nickelback, you also should be shot.

N: Ooh. AOR.

T: AOR? You mean Absolutely Obnoxious Rubbish?

N: I think that's a little unfair.

T: Yep.

N: There's nothing intrinsically wrong here...

T: (starts loading bullets)

N: Don't point that thing at me.

T: I'm sorry. I got excited.

N: How did THAT happen?

T: I was wondering the same thing.

N: As I said, there's nothing intrinsically wrong here...

T: ...except that it's shite.

N: Mondeo man might beg to differ. It's rock and more or less as we know it Tone.

T: I'm having real trouble flushing this turd away.

N: Just press the eject button. 3/10

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King Of Conspiracy - Youth Against The Empire (Catcutter Records) 02/03/2009

T: Whilst this begins rather like Arctic Monkeys musically, it soon turns into an altogether rockier number, which bizarrely reminds me of an old tramp picking fights with casual passers by in a city centre, all the while stamping his urine sodden leg and getting angrier as each person in turn ignores him. Loud.

N: Parisian rockers not exactly commonplace on the UK music scene, but perhaps if they're going to continue to stamp "their urine sodden legs" in our direction, perhaps not the most welcome. However, KOS strike me as a group who are going to refuse to be ignored, and may just capitulate onto the more alternative scene. 7/10

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The Voluntary Butler Service - Multiplayer (Split Records) 02/03/2009

T: If you can imagine a band making the kind of twee pop of Belle & Sebastian, performing a version of The Maisonettes' "Heartache Avenue", and backed by messrs Golding and Staples of Funboy 3 and Specials fame, you've pretty much got it. Pleasant and breezy, if not exactly astounding.

N: I think "twee pop" says it all realy. Nice summer laden melodies, Pimms in one hand, metronome in the other. Not exactly exciting but pleasant all the same. 6/10

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